When home has never been further away

This year has surely been extremely taxing on people from many walks of life; elderly and vulnerable groups were not allowed to leave their house at various stages of the two lockdowns, many couples have split up as a result of the prolonged domestic exposure to one another- leading to a sense of hopelessness, the nation’s youth might have had their job opportunities scrapped in a matter of weeks, and students are facing psychological instability as their timetables change on a weekly basis. The LGBTQ+ community have had some specific problems of their own; perhaps having to suffer in the lockdown with a previously abusive relative, their limbic systems triggered into a fight or flight response, or having their rightful agenda postponed by this virus. Many women and some men have had to endure the gruelling exacerbation of domestic abuse, feeling powerless and unsupported. NHS staff had to take on extra risk of helping others whilst possibly exposing themselves to the potentially deadly virus, patients booked for lifesaving surgeries were put on hold, and many others have not received their planned medical treatment to date, families with loved ones in nursing homes not being able to be in physical contact and elderly people in care homes feeling lonely, isolated and confused. Everybody had to endure a prolonged period of distress filled with anxiety, uncertainty, a sense of hopelessness and helplessness, loss of control, insomnia, relationship issues, at times panic and the prospects of a bleak future ahead.

There is however one group of the population that has had to suffer away from the limelight and with little recognition or understanding: the nationals of other countries for whom the UK is their second home; those who may belong to one or all of the above categories, exacerbated by the added stress of not being able to see their families for the whole duration of the pandemic, not being able to spend their well-deserved summer holidays in the usual fashion – catching up on much-needed family time and facing their first holiday season away from home, perhaps even for the very first time.

WHEN BEING LONELY AND MISUNDERSTOOD IS THE NEW NORMAL

Although many people coming to this country are motivated by the vision of a financially more viable lifestyle and better access to services, for others the main motivator is their love affair – a new spouse, and later on their beloved children. Whilst in the early stages of a romantic relationship, it might not matter in the slightest where the loved-up couple lives, when children come along, what once felt like a ‘warm and fuzzy’ utopia can turn into feelings of being stuck and absence of choices for the foreign spouse. This can turn into a hellish experience if the once loved-up couple heads for the rocky waters of marital conflict. The foreign party might feel discriminated and wronged, as oftentimes the only important factor keeping them in their second home is their love and commitment to their children. For some of these people this winter presents an extraordinary challenge, as their feelings of loneliness and displacement might be exacerbated by the prolonged absence from the first home and the crippling sense of not having a choice to travel home – now or in the near future. This season poses a unique and paradoxical challenge to many within this group – they work, they might be even privileged to earn a decent income, yet they have no powers to book flights home to see loved ones, many of whom might be elderly with limited time on this planet. The sense of lost time and missed opportunities can, in turn, lead to feelings of helplessness, low mood and even despair.

There is however a bunch of younger foreign nationals, calling Britain their home, who have felt a profound sense of belonging - like a part of the old furniture – until now, that is. Their usual summer holidays with loved ones, now postponed, and the perspective of their Christmas, Channukah or other festivities normally celebrated with families abroad, now off the schedule. If they are single there is a real possibility that they might spend the important holiday season alone as opposed to being part of a lively family gathering, with the bountiful amount of food and sentiments of togetherness; practices that they have been accustomed to every year of their young lives.

Sadly, the above stories are rarely gaining acknowledgment or mention in the national headlines. Mostly these narratives are being held within the safe space of the counselling room, discussed online or shared among selected friends who find themselves in a similar predicament.

A GLIMMER OF HOPE

Many of us in the UK are now holding on, as the roll-out of the new vaccine is on the way. It is the fact that the majority of foreign nationals fall within the ‘working age’ demographic group in the UK, and so will be less likely to receive the vaccine under the current NHS guidelines, nevertheless a glimmer of hope has emerged that borders will re-open and travel restrictions will ease. Some are already hopeful that their next summer will be spent in the close vicinity of loved ones, friends and the childhood streets they once belonged to.

Hope is a multifaceted emotion. Typically categorised as a positive emotion, it often occurs in the midst of negative or uncertain circumstances. Hope is oftentimes experienced by people NOT falling into the category of LEARNED HEPLESNESS optimist by nature, who see life as a glass half full.

EARLY TRAUMA AND IMMIGRATION

It is a well-researched fact that many people set sail away from their home country because of the emotional difficulties experienced, sense of moral injustice, being discriminated based on their ethnicity, religion or sexual orientation. Overall, the feelings that they do not fit in, or being restricted or ‘emotionally invaded’ by judgmental surroundings. Sometimes a failed romantic relationship or problems at work can create a situation of the ‘perfect storm’ that initiates the exodus to explore pastures new.

Some individuals had to leave the land they knew, family and sometimes even their own children behind.

For people falling into this category, it might be near impossible to experience the fuzzy feeling of hope based on the new vaccine, that has not been tried and tested – as far as they can see. Previous traumas might be the contributing factor to their learned helplessness, as they experience sadness and guilt most days in their new home.

People in this category might experience a toxic sense of injustice; lost time with loved ones that they will never get back, a sense of alienation from their British friends, loneliness, and an inevitable burn out at work, where spending the holidays only means that they will be stuck at home or pottering around the same old places, without the possibility to book that much desired flight that will take them HOME.

All they need is to take in the nourishment of seeing the familiar faces, to try foods that remind them of their childhoods (that they prepare together with others), to ‘elbow high five’ their friends and have a conversation in their mother tongue, or, if that is indeed English, to use the verbal expressions typical for the culture that they have originated from.

Everyone needs that safe place to rest, to recharge and to reflect. The place that we call our emotional home regardless of our background, age and physical abilities.

This article was written by Dagmar Salamonova and was inspired by stories of my clients, my close friends and indeed of my own lived experience. If you are struggling with issues around ‘uprootment’, counselling can help you understand how to overcome or at least how to accept this complex issue.. Contact Dagmar via our contact form.